Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Ramble from Jayden

Tonight an author's ramble/request....
Okay, I'll admit it. I have a problem.

That's the first step right? Admitting it? Okay, so I've admitted it, now what?

Well, sweet baby Moses in a reed basket, what good does it me to take the first step if I don't know what the second one is?

I have a problem. And I feel comfortable talking about it because I am certain that someone out there will empathize, share my agony. I can't be the only one who feels like this, can I? Am I really all alone out there, in this big scary world? Does no one understand what it's like to feel this way? Am I just some freak of Nature without precedent?

I try to ignore it, try to stave off the compulsion, but willpower only goes so far. It starts out as a tiny voice in the back of my mind, baiting me. Then the voice isn't so tiny anymore and it doesn't plead or beg anymore, it commands. "Just one," It tells me. "Just this once, you can handle it." I've tried and tried, but I can't do it on my own. It's too big for me to conquer on my own. I need help. Your help. Someone's help. There are twelve steps, right? I've got the first step down. I've admitted it. I need someone to tell me what the second step is.

I have a problem. Whenever I post a new story, whether it be a tasty morsel of femslash or a snippet of my original works, I can't help myself. I might be able to struggle against the urges for awhile, but inevitably I fall into the same sick pattern. Point. Click. Refresh. Point. Click. Refresh. Until I'm lost to my obsession again.

I can't stop it, once it starts. That one click turns into another that turns into twenty. Pretty soon I'm checking my e-mail every five minutes and checking the web statistics on my site. I have to know: has someone sent me feedback? Are people even reading my site? How many hits since I last checked? Inevitably I spiral downwards until my finger is bleeding from tapping the refresh key and I'm curled into the fetal position, a tired, broken wee lesbian.

I can't help it. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. And I keep checking and checking my e-mail despite the fact it is always empty. I even click the refresh button twice in a row really quick because I don't believe Hotmail when it tells me my inbox is empty.

I've struggled with it. The shame, the guilt. The weird looks my girlfriend gives me when my head hits the keyboard as I collapse into a weeping, snotty heap. I can't do it anymore, I can't go on like this. There is only so many times I can hit rock bottom, so many times I can squeegee the tears from my monitor.

You can help. It's easy for you to turn your back, to walk away if you or no one you know has ever had this problem, but for the love of lesbians, put yourself in my shoes. If you were me, wouldn't you want to know that people cared? That you weren't totally alone in the world?

With your help, I'm sure I can pull through this. All I ask is for a bit of understanding, a smidgen of support, and a little feedback. Take a moment or two out of your busy lives. If you read my writing, leave a comment, send an e-mail, if you loved it or hated it. It doesn't matter. I just want to know. And it isn't as if people aren't reading it; I obsessively track the web stats, remember? Please, find it in your hearts to spare a few words of tender encouragement or even a violent flame, if not for me, then for the little Jayden in us all.

It wasn't easy to make the decision to come forward with my problem. I am sure some people will judge me, think I'm weak or sick. Some people will pretend they never read this. But if I've helped one person, one lesbian with the same problem as me, then it is all worth it. Hopefully, by coming forward with my problem, I will give others the strength and courage to deal with their own feedback addictions.

Together, we can build a world where a lesbian writer never signs onto an empty inbox.

Jayden Scott


There you have it! Take some time to check out Jayden's Stories and let her know your thoughts. She will appreciate it!

Now back to your updates, enjoy 'em.

Elisa

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